Respect is a One-Way Street

In any relationship, mutual respect is key to success, especially in parent/child relationships.

Parents of teen children know how it is to be treated without respect. Which is why Pamela Erdman, marriage, family, and child therapist, will be speaking about “Putting Respect Back in the Parent/Child Relationship” on October 10, 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm, as part of Fusion Academy’s Open House & Speaker Series.

“It’s such a struggle, particularly when kids hit the teen years. This is what I’m focusing on because teens are not listening,” says Erdman. “So the communication is really breaking down and it creates a lot of conflict and turmoil.”

The result is a communication collapse where the bond between the parent and child is severed, and in turn increases teens’ high-risk behavior.

“One of the things that I feel the most passionate about is keeping that parent-child bond all the way through, but particularly in the teen years because it’s so critical,” says Erdman.

When the bond between the parent and child is strong, self-destructive behavior diminishes and teens’ academic performance and self-esteem soars as a result. Erdman says that the root of strengthening the bond is “teaching parents what it means to respect the teen into the areas they need respect in.”

“So often when we think about respect, we think about teaching teens to respect adults, which is important,” Erdman explains, “but the first aspect of respect is really for adults learning what it means to respect the teen, because that’s how you’re going to keep the bond and the communication open with your teen.”

Respect is earned, not given. So expecting a teen to respect their parents can be an exercise in futility unless the child’s respect is earned. This can be achieved by giving teens the respect they need.

“One of their (teens) biggest needs is autonomy, they need to be able to make decisions and have some support and guidance in making decisions. So one of the ways we can inadvertently disrespect teens is if we keep laying down all the rules of what they can and cannot do. So, what we want to do is collaborate with them and create these boundaries for safety,” says Erdman.

Erdman stresses that it not about agreeing with teens and giving them what they want, but rather understanding what is age-appropriate and honoring that.

Respect is a one-way street where both the parent and child should be walking the same direction, rather than just meeting in the middle.

Parents must set realistic boundaries, with the teens being involved in the boundary process. Erdman explains, “First is understanding what they need and taking it very seriously. When the teen is taken seriously, that keeps the bond; and then sitting down and discussing with them a decision and coming up with the decision that we’ve collaborated on.”

Teens may not always like the decision, but by discussing things, both parent and child will feel “respected, heard, and valued” which Erdman tells us is key in every decision.

“That’s what I want to teach parents. To hear first and foremost in their mind; if respect, hearing and valuing, are always driving your process, you’re going to have a very successful navigation and the teen years won’t be as tumultuous,” Erdman says.

Putting Respect Back in the Parent/Child Relationship
Fusion Academy Pasadena Speaker Series
825 Colorado Blvd #118, Los Angeles, CA 90041
(Between Figueroa and Avenue 64)
October 10 from 6:30 pm to 8:00 pm.

The series is free but RSVPs are recommended because of limited space. Please go to: www.fusionacademy.com/academy/pasadena/upcoming-events to register.

Fusion Academy is a fully accredited, private, middle and high school where all classes are taught one to one. After more than twenty years of helping students succeed in the San Diego area, Fusion opened its Pasadena campus in 2011. To learn more about why one to one works, please contact Candace Siegle at (323) 258-2012, or csiegle@fusionacademy.com.